I know it is after Christmas, but I am just now able to really sit down and say what I have been feeling. This Christmas reminded me so much of what we have lost. More than a husband and a daddy - more than a grandfather and brother - more than a son and an uncle. While I can't really say that Daddy was the glue that kept the family together, I feel as if we just aren't whole without him. I know that our family will continue to be tight knit. But, it will never be the same.
Christmas Past:
Daddy had so many Christmas traditions that he personally carried out. Like the reading of the Christmas story from the bible - and the reading of The Cajun Night Before Christmas (complete with accent). He always passed out the gifts. He was the first to *Christmas Eve* someone. I remember stories of him and mom staying up half the night to get our Christmas ready for us. And for weeks ahead of time, mom would be making presents for us while we slept - and dad would be playing with our presents while he had the chance! I remember arguing with my sister on Christmas Eve and Daddy sending both of us to our room (and this was when we were both in college!). I have memories of excitement and joy and family and love. And they all center around him and mama.The both made the holidays so special.
Christmas Present:
This year Shanna read the Christmas Story and Shawn passed out the gifts. The kids were screaming and yelling and generally having a great time. All the adults were smiling as we watched them. But, we all cried a bit over what, or better, who was missing. And, that these sweet babies won't have the first hand memories of their Grandpa at Christmas.
On Christmas afternoon, we went to see your grave site. As I stood next to your grave, I felt such a pressure in my chest, constricted and tight. I felt empty and broken. Seeing the gravestone made everything feel so much more real.
We stood around where they laid your body in silence and sorrow. Then looked up, to where your soul is - and silently celebrated that you are free from pain and suffering.
Christmas Future:
They say that this year is the hardest. I don't see how it will get easier to go on without you in our lives. But, I know that we will keep your traditions going for our kids. They will listen to the Bible Story and the Cajun Night Before Christmas and it will be easier, perhaps, to tell them some memories of you while we read to them. Your life goes on through them.
Daddy, I miss you so very much. I love you.
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